Roxann’s thoughts on the new doctor

Hi all. I’d just like to say am still overwhelmed at how many people are still interested in Roxann, how lovely it is to receive messages from you saying you were thinking off her when the new series started and wanting to know what she thinks.

We were on our holiday when the new series started so I’d made sure it was all set to recorded so we could watch on our return.

On our way to our holiday we had stopped off to by magazines….I looked around asked roxi which one she would like and she was just stood mouth open with dreamy eyes…she was looking at the radio times front cover which of course had Peter capaldi on the front. It was like this is all real he is the Doctor.

Once we returned from our holiday we sat down to watch the first episode.
We loved it so very funny.
Roxann loved that it had a dinosaur in, she sat captivated by the show watching and taking everything in.

We have now watched all three episodes of new who. Upon watching this weekends. Roxi turned to me and said ” mummy, this doctor is so funny he makes me laugh ”

It’s a massive thumbs up from Roxann. She has now let her imaginary Doctor regenerate into Peter.

Roxann has an old mobile phone of mine and pretends she is talking to the doctor and Clara. Last week she rang Clara and told her it’s ok to go on adventures with the new doctor and not to be scared.
She melts my heart with the way she loves Doctor who.

After each Saturday episode roxi always asks when is the next one on and gets upset that she has to wait a whole week for the next one.

Thank you for reading­čÖé

IMG_7502-0.JPG

Demon depression

A poem I wrote about my own battle with depression.
I have now come through and am very thankful­čÖé

Please don’t ask me if am ok.
It makes my eyes leak
If I say am fine…and you know am not. Please don’t push me into giving an answer.

If I go quiet, Please don’t ignore me, just cause I don’t wanna talk.
Please remember that I am still here.
I will be ok and In time I will talk.
Just give me time to process the things going on in my head.

If I cut myself and watch the blood flow. Don’t get angry at me, sometimes it’s away to let the pain go.

If I drink to much alcohol and take all my medication in one , am just trying to get better in one go.

As I sit in the hospital bed. Don’t sit there shaking you’re head.

I never meant to hurt you with the things I’ve done.
Please don’t walk away. I will get better one day.

The darkness will fade and the light will come.
I will hold my head high and look at my scares with a sense of pride.
For the dark demon did not win
And now my life can begin.

20140630-134310-49390408.jpg

To the outside world

A little thing I wrote this morning

To the outside world. You stop and stare at my child and me.
Yes we look like were taking part in W.W.E.
I know it looks harsh me holding my child by the arms and legs, but hear me when I say am not hurting her.
Am not a bad mum, my child is not having a tantrum,
You see my child has autism, the outside world is scary to her.
If I wasn’t holding her in some sort of wrestling move, she may come to harm. She does not understand that she can’t just run.
The sounds we hear to us can be fun , but these sounds to her make her run…it’s not just sounds it’s smells too.
So while you’re all staring can I please ask don’t judge me or my daughter cause to us this is just normal.

20140403-093300.jpg

Diagnosis

When we moved to Yorkshire I made sure I got a gp. When I saw them I asked for her appointments to be sorted out over here.

I got a phone call from the head of cams and had a good talk with her. I told her all about Roxann and the things she does. She told me that it was not ADHD, that I needed to go back to the gp and tell them to make a referral to the child development team.
By this time September had come and Roxann was due to start school. I looked at school after school. One school was so rude in regards to her behaviour and learning needs, don’t get me wrong the head was a nice guy, just he said that parents would be after blood if she started there.

The school nurse started to come out and see us, to make sure Roxi was doing ok and to also help with looking at schools for her. Couldn’t send her to the local special needs school as she was not statemented. The school nurse thought it would be a good idea for us to have a meeting with calms face to face, even though I had told her I’d already talked to Caroline over the phone, but I agreed just to please her.

So after a mouth of waiting we went for a meeting, I took along the dairy I’d been keeping of Roxi. Surprise surprise she told us it was not a calms matter. I thanked her for her time and she said she would write to our gp to inform them of our meeting and her findings.

We finally found a school for Roxi.
I cried after we had looked round another local school. It was perfect the head showed us around and talked to us about how they would handle roxi and what support she would get, she asked if we had any question and I laughed and said know you have answered them all.
Roxi started 2wks before the half term. I was more worried than roxi, making sure the school knew I would be there at a moments notice. Needless to say she settled in well, yes there where a few issues but the fab thing is the school could handle it.
I know feel relaxed enough to be able to drop her off and go about my daily needs.
Doing the shopping on my own for the first time felt really odd, being able to get around a supermarket without having to stop and catch roxi or sit in the Aisles and hold her while she cried was a whole new thing for me to get used too.

The date came for Roxi to see a child specialise. Off we went taking all my notes and dairy. The doctor was wonderful she watched roxi and talked to myself and roxi’s dad about day to day life. Then she asked Roxi play. We spent an hour and a half with the doctor, towards the end she said she will refer roxi to a child behaviour doctor, speech therapist and also for a jacc assessmen, she said that we are definitely looking at ASD.
So a couple of weeks went by and the appointments started to come through.
The day I read the child development doctors report I cried reading what she had wrote to our gp and the others that she was informing to see Roxi.
I rang my sister and read the letter in floods of tears, I wasn’t crying because Roxi has Asd I was crying because I’d be fighting for so long for someone to listen to me. Reading the letter was also very strange the doctor had picked up on things that I myself had never even noticed about Roxi.

I read the report over and over again. I cried for about a week, which my sister said was fine for me to do because finally I knew I had my feet on along road of bettering Roxi’s life..

Full speed train

Yesterday my sister sent me a link, I click on it and as I read I felt like a full speed train had just hit me.

The article was about a boy who’s parents had left him at the age of 12 with ┬ú20 cash and a few microwave meals while they went on holiday.

The boy was in court giving evidence against his parents who are pleading not guilty.

The reason this hit me is because myself and my sister where neglected as children. I really thought that I had worked on my issues from my childhood but after the way this hit me I realise that I am still angry.

Am angry at the fact so many adults that were around us failed to do anything about the way out mother was treating us.

She would leave us for upto 2weeks at a time with no food and no money. There would be no electric in our house as we had token meters. We would sit with blankets around us.

The neglect started when I was age 6 and my sister 8. My mum was getting a divorce from our stepdad.
She was and still is an alcoholic. Off she would swan for nights out with her friends. Drinking and partying coming home with various people and they would bring home take aways. If me or my sister entered the room we would get told off. In the mornings we would see if any food was left over but if there was it had cigarette ash and stumps init so we couldn’t eat it.

She didn’t care about our schooling. Over the years we moved around from town to town. Yes she would enrol us into schools, but as we grow up we lost interest in going. ( in my blog bullied I talk about my school life )

By the age of 12-13 my sister had had enough she moved with her best friend and her family. Leaving me at home alone. I don’t blame my sister one bit she after all was only a child why should she have to bring up her little sister.

After my sister moved out I had to fend for myself, I took to stealing food from the village shop. I think they knew they must of they never stopped me and for that I was grateful. Looking back now I feel bad for steeling but I had too.

My mother went on many holidays with friends or on her own. One time when she was on her adventures away. I’d had a cold bath and needed to dry my hair. I found a hair dryer in my mums room and it had no back to the plug so I pushed it into the socket. Yep you guessed it I electrocuted myself, I was dressed and ran out the house I was so scared the feeling of the electric running up my arm I thought I was going to die.

We told people about the way out mother was but no one stood up and did anything. Why?
How can people turn away from children?

I know that I will never know the answers as the people in question seem to scared to talk about it. Maybe cause they feel guilty we will never know.

Am glad the boy in the article had people around him that were not to scared to say this is not right and to support the boy. I also hope that the court finds his parents guilty and they get what they deserve.

My sister and I thought our mother was ready to admit the hurt and pain she had caused us Afew years ago when she asked us to goto a family cancelling meeting.
Turned out she was not, my sister and I poured our hearts out in that meeting for her to sit there and say it didn’t happen. Well that’s the way an alcoholics mind works. They rewrite and tell lies so no one discovers the truth about them. It’s the sad and sorry truth she will manipulate people until the day she dies.

Myself and my sister no longer have her in our life as she won’t admit to the pain she has caused us.
It seems that no matter how hard we try to move on our pain still stays the same. Also to this day our mother is still lying and manipulating people into believing she is right and we are wrong.

No matter what we know the hardship of an abusive mother and we know we will never make that mistake with our children, if anything we are too soft with our children as we don’t want them to think of us badly.

Here is the link my sister sent me.
http://www.cumbriacrack.com/2014/03/18/boy-gives-evidence-parents-home-alone-case/

The first signs

The not knowing.

At the age of two I started to notice Roxann was not like her sister at that age. She was harder work, she didn’t sleep unless she had contact with me. She wasn’t doing the usual things like trying to get herself dressed, showing interest in the potty and she didn’t walk much. Now I know that no two children are the same, but children should be doing or showing signs of wanting to do at certain times.

I thought maybe it was because Roxann was born at 30weeks that maybe her development was just a little on the slow side. No big deal I still encouraged her the same way I had done with Bernadette.

No matter what I did she couldn’t get the hang of feeding herself or putting clothes on…I now know this to be called motorskills. Roxann’s are slow.

Roxann would never sit still was always hanging upside down or running around. There was no off switch hahaha. Bedtime was horrendous she would not settle at all, so it was many night spent sat up with her until she would goto sleep and that would only be for an hour or so then she would be back awake.

In the summer I remember being in the park and taking Roxann’s shoes off her so she could toddle about on the grass, well lord above she shrieked and froze. I had to go pick her up. She still hates the feel of grass on her now. If it touches her she can not stand it.
I also remember being on a camping holiday it was the first time I had used a shower on her…..she screamed and clung so hard onto my neck. No matter how hard I tried to do ooo and arrr and make it fun also splashing my own face with the shower, she was having none of it. She was the same when we went swimming or was in the bath if the water went over her face she hated it.

Biting oh lord did she do so much biting no matter how many times I told her no she still carried on. Roxann also has a thing for eating anything foam so we have to make sure nothing we buy her has foam or she will eat it. She upset her sister by eating the red nose she had bought for Red Nose Day.

As Roxann started to walk I noticed she was walking on her tiptoes I just thought it was cute.

I rang my sister one day as I thought that maybe Roxann might have ADHD. We talked and she said that some of the things Roxann was doing an ADHD child doesn’t do.

I made an appointment at the doctors, cause by this time I was worn out due to Roxann need 24/7 care. I burst into tears. Not only was she having all the behaviour problems but she was also struggling to goto the toilet.
The gp referred us to a child specialist for her Bowles and behaviour.

When we went for our appointment with the specialist he told us there was nothing he could do for the behaviour as the area we lived would not take children under the age of 5.
So we had Afew meeting with the Specialist and he said he had talked to one of his friends in child development, but unfortunately all he could do was put her on a list for when she turns 5.

I was heartbroken and lost. Everything was falling apart. I felt I had no strength left in me. By this time my relationship was falling apart.
My relationship with the girls father did come to an end.
That’s when I decided to move to Yorkshire to be closer to my sister for support.

Read more in my next blog

20140309-224732.jpg

Bullied

Like many of us out there I was bullied as a child.
I’ve sat and wondered why I was bullied and the only thing I can think off is it was because I was nice. I wouldn’t sit and gossip about people and I’ve always treated everyone the same.
Also I have dyslexia so i was bullied for that called dumb and think and that wasn’t just by the children in my classes this was by the teachers.
I remember being aged 11 and in an English class the teacher was talking about Shakespeare she asked a question and when I put my hand up and give the answer her face went red and she said I was cheating and I must of got the answer from someone else. She sent me too stand outside the class. I was heartbroken all the children were laughing as I walked out in tears.
At the end of the lesson I tried to tell my English teacher I knew the answer as my granddad had been massively into Shakespeare and many other poets. But she didn’t listen.

My home life was not good so I had no one to turn to and tell about how badly I was being treated in school. So I started to skip…..well what was the point in going to school if you spend most your time hiding in the toilets or standing outside of the lessons.

I passed my gcse’s at the age of sixteen by going to collage I did them in one year and got the support I needed for my dyslexia from the collage. When I started my reading age was 8yrs when I left it was 14yrs. The help was fabulous and I remember the first book I ever read on my own was Angela’s ashes by Frank McCout.

Now am going to jump forward Afew years am a mother of to girls and am living in a nice house. I’ve noticed something is not right with my youngest and am fighting with the doctors which is hard.

For the first time in life I have a group of friends we are all mothers and we all get along. When a women moves into the house across from me and she has a little girl I help her out and introduce her to my friends. Everything seems fine.

Then boom all of a sudden Afew month later am being bullied yet again. This women turns my friends against me saying I’ve been talking about them and all sorts of horrid and nasty things.

I felt weak again I felt fear of even sitting in my own garden. I shut the doors and kept my girls close to me.
At this point I lost my relationship with the girls dad. I’d lost myself.
I’d decided I was going to move away so I could be closer to my sister, as she was all I had left.

After suffering months of abuse from my neighbours I managed to find a house near my sister and I moved.

I call it now the best move ever. Cause looking back I realised with everything those so called friends had put me through it resulted in me having a nervous breakdown.

Even though I’ve had years of being bullied and made to feel really rubbish about myself I’ve stayed me. Ok I lack in confidence and I still suffer from old scares, am working on it all everyday for if I didn’t the bullies would win.

So if you are a child or adult being bullied remember it’s the bully who is in the wrong, stay strong, stay true and remember you can’t help being you it’s your DNA and that’s why people like you……and so what if they don’t don’t change……because a bully will only win if you do.

It’s along lonely Journey but if I can come out of it still a nice caring lady then you can too.

Thank you x

20140403-195043.jpg